TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of position. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have An additional position wherever American men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he really should prevent making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Place, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could Trump Tower Damascus spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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